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Reality Shmeality
by Michael Giardina

Picture this: a bunch of feeble old men with flamboyant egos are ogling a bunch of blond beach beauties. All are seated around a campfire in the middle of a FOX production studio, while a fake waterfall streams down from the roof. An old cardboard tiger is growling as the camera zooms in on the young woman's legs. Welcome to reality television.

Reality TV is a plague on our culture and I have the solution. Instead of 10 losers voting for who will be eliminated, let's allow the American public to vote each week for the reality TV show that sucked away the most of our life essences and creative passions. The winner will be banned from television for eternity. The number of shows will dwindle with time and I will be a happy man.

Until then, we might as well embrace this fickle human craving for "fake reality" and make as much of it as we can. Here are a few of my ideas that would surely be popular:

First off, "Reality Bar Fights." In this show, hundreds of recovering alcoholics will sign up for a chance to win $1 million. Each night, participants will drink as much as they can and engage in brawls. The winner of the night will be based on the number of shots consumed multiplied by the number of broken bones dealt to the foes.

I would be down to hear some "Reality Radio." Imagine the money Clear Channel Worldwide would save if, instead of hiring on-air jocks and producers, they simply filled a studio with a racist Irish woman, a cool Jamaican male with dreadlocks, a racist conservative whose father died in Vietnam, an intellectual black activist, and a blond, blind nymphomaniac. Imagine the profits.

"Reality Cheating," could be fun. We could bribe a bunch of college students with a year's supply of Top Ramen and Taco Bell to join in the new reality show dedicated to the art of cheating in class. Every week someone will get expelled and his or her life will be ruined. Oh well, the winner will get some fatty grub.

Here is a winner: "Reality Drug Dealing." Television crews will follow around some men of the hood, as rocks are tossed and money is lost. Won't it be exciting? You can spend your free time watching people you imagine yourself better than, while you guzzle down a Bud and wonder with jealousy: "Isn't that the life?"

I was going to suggest "Reality Sports," but then I remembered that wrestling has already filled that vast hole in our karmic auras. I have never understood the appeal of huge muscular men wearing women's bathing suits, screaming at each other. But hey, it can't be that expensive to train them to act like fake pawns in a foam ring.

"Reality Plumbers:" We clog pipes with gross things; they have to unclog them. First to unclog the pipes and eat the contents wins.

And finally, "Reality Reality:" A show dedicated to tricking people into believing that reality TV has anything to do with reality.