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Explosive Journalism - Opinion Columns by Michael Giardina

             Hilarious articles, funny columns, blatant journo-scolding.


Peace Out: Giardina Says Goodbye
by Michael Giardina

Goodbye, children. This rollercoaster has been one hell of a ride.

This is my final column for The California Aggie, but don't you worry; I got a better-paying job as a chicken sexer.

So what was the point of my two years of rambling?

Each of our faces grace 300 surveillance cameras per day and the government taps phone lines. In the name of fear, we're flushing our civil liberties down the toilet.

As a result of fear, every impassioned tradition has been stifled - from naked mythopoetic men beating drums in the forest, to Timothy Leary experimenting with LSD in a Harvard classroom.

And if you didn't know, people who eat only free-range, fresh, kosher, all-natural, certified-organic foods also die every day. Death is all-natural... organic. So, quit running away and catch your breath.

People lie every day. Politicians lie every minute. Morality is an illusion invented by the successful and powerful, only to be exerted upon the poor and yearning.

Every time you see a retarded advertisement on television, just remember that someone, somewhere, paid thousands for that investment and yet another moron fell for it.

If disclaimers warn you not to stick you genitals in a blender, you just know someone, somewhere...

People are gullible as hell. Scientology - enough said.

When 400 pounds of angry, gluttonous, human flesh pounces into a FedEx Kinko's to scream blatant obscenities and chastise potential homosexuals, just be comforted knowing that brain growth is never directly proportional to gut growth.

In this country, health has become a status symbol, a commodity. As long as companies continue to pawn their wares on primetime television, while hardworking Americans who can't pay for health care die in the streets, we are not a free country.

Take a chance and help us redefine social activism. Don't slash tires at a riot. Don't loot stores. Spread a message with your activism and ensure it hits its intended target, and hits hard.

Universities produce thousands of highly specialized "adults" who are unable to perform household tasks, build basic inventions or fix an appliance; however, we've paid 400 people at this university to write documents about hand-washing. Perhaps 399 of these employees could quit and create a shop class?

The government makes laws that promote addiction and make it more difficult for smokers to quit the habit. Rest homes give carcinogenic gifts to their elderly residents. Wal-Mart sells carcinogenic Christmas lights. Isn't life grand?

Just like there's a benevolent person and a malevolent person, there is beneficial pornography and harmful pornography. Next time one of your friends self-identifies as a recovering porn addict, shun him or her for being normal. Everyone loves the naked body. Enjoy your sex toys and sing an ode to organic flesh.

When the day is over, stick your nose in a flower and enjoy the musk shooting into your nostrils. Sit in an empty field and belly-laugh at the sky. To quote last year's final column, "life is a wild mix of pleasure and sorrow, of frustration and relaxation." Death has no pleasure nor sorrow, no frustration nor relaxation. Everything evens out, and all that's left is a human drive that surpasses these ephemeral states, a drive toward passion, creation and art.

That being said, I would like to offer a sincere thank you to my editors: Ryan Fuller, Daniel Stone, Matt Jojola and Peter Hamilton; thanks to Vivian and The Naders for years of encouragement; and thanks to all my readers, even those who suggested I kill my children and eat my feces.

Good luck and Godspeed, my little minions.