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Certified Organic Monkey Fetus Snacks
by Michael Giardina

The hippies are coming! The hippies are coming! Our fine city is about to be overrun by an eclectic, motley crew of all-natural, certified organic potheads. Thank God. The city will finally have food I can eat. I'll stop importing from Canada.

I am a food snob. My diet, strict. McDonald's? I don't think so. I only consume food that is fair trade, free range, fresh, kosher, all natural, certified organic and completely free of hydrogenated fats, dairy, gluten, pesticides, preservatives, bovine somatotropin, sulfites, antibiotics and hormones. And unless the food is prepackaged in Modified Atmosphere Packaging, that grub isn't touching my virgin lips. Purr.

Okay, so I'm lying. What are you going to do about it? The truth of the matter is that all of these labels are a joke. For example, which do you prefer: organic foods, 100 percent organic foods or foods made with organic ingredients? What's the difference? Legal, bureaucratic wordplay.

To qualify as organic, a food must contain 95 percent organic ingredients. That means 5 percent of your fancy, pretentious, organic granola bar could contain stem cells from a monkey fetus and still legally qualify as organic.

Foods that claim to be made with organic ingredients are only required to have 70 percent "healthier" ingredients. That means your organic cabbage could be 30 percent pesticide and still fit within the blanket terminology.

Who comes up with these arbitrary naming conventions? All they do is mislead consumers. And while I'm at it, whose bright idea was it to place a "natural" label on a package of meat? What exactly is natural beef? Actually, the better question is what the hell is unnatural beef? The only animal product that I know of that qualifies as unnatural is a baloot egg, also known as a fertilized, half-hatched chicken. Sounds crunchy.

But maybe you're not worried about your own health. No, of course not. You're the sappy, altruistic consumer who only buys animal products that are labeled "free roaming." I swear we're the only species on the planet that gives a damn whether its dinners led pleasurable lives. For being on top of the food change, we're a bunch of wussies.

Then again, maybe we secretly don't care about animals' lives and simply put a misleading "free roaming" label to make us gullible folk feel good about ourselves. In fact, that is precisely the case. To qualify as free roaming, your future dinner must be "allowed access to the outside."

Is it just me or is that sentence completely meaningless? I'm fairly certain the words "allow," "access," and "outside" are applicable to almost any situation, unless of course the animals are buried in caskets. Even then, couldn't you say the animals are allowed access to a place outside of their normal homes? I don't see any requirement that "outside" equals "beautiful rainforest."

Everyone needs to simmer down and chill out. Just calm down and eat whatever you want, whenever you want. If you die of obesity or come down with mad cow disease, then you're helping us all out with this overpopulation problem; or, as Bill Hicks puts it, "this whole food/air deal."

If everyone continues obsessing about food ingredients, the drug companies are going to score big with those anti-anxiety medications. I mean, one day eggs will kill you, the next day they're healthy. And sure, preservatives may cause cancer, but spoiled foods lead to disease.

Hell, everything will kill you eventually. Deal with it. As long as you're not using toothpaste as a hotdog condiment or spicing up your spaghetti with arsenic, I think you'll be fine.