Did you know? Costco's Butter Recall
Nov 12, 2024 - Following the [FDA’s alert](https://www.fda.gov/food/recalls-outbreaks-emergencies/alerts-advisories-safety-information](https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/ires/index.cfm?Event=95556) specific batches of Kirkland Signature Butter sold at Costco, where a crucial allergen (milk) was mistakenly left off the ingredient label. Report excerpted below, in case the links mysteriously disappears for, you know… reasons.
Costco Makes Butter Great Again
It leaves one disheartened, and is by all accounts poor use of time to argue with trolls, as one doom-scrolls this Great Web, in the modern day Digital Dystopia. After all, Feeds are where they come to feed: timelines and comment sections, all crowded with beggars of attention, importuning every user for Likes, Shares, Comments (& Subscribe!) As the saying goes, one quickly learns that arguing with people on the internet is like wrestling with pigs in mud: sooner or later, you realize the pigs are enjoying it.
With all due empathy, our Content Creators, instead of being able to work for their honest buttered Bread, presently find themselves forced to employ all their Time in such trivial Matters, lest they starve for Engagement, Watch Time, and De-monetization. I think it is therefore agreed by all Concerned, the resulting Algorithm Begging, its prodigious, pervasive prompts, leads us to the present deplorable State of Social Media, a great grievance; and therefore, whoever could Produce a fair and easy method for making these Digital Persons more sound in their creative endeavors, as cherished members of society, would deserve so well of the Public, as to have his statue put forth, as a Preserver of the Nation’s Well-being.
But my Intention is very far from being confined to provide only for these burdened Creative Persons. My concern is of a much larger extent, applicable to a rapidly increasing number of Users, of a certain Age, born to parents who have few upvotes to support them, and demand our Charity on Instagram and across whatever Twitter is calling itself these days. As to my own part, having suffered from ‘chronic overthinking’ for many years, find upon this important Subject, having maturely conducted statistically significant experiments, and having conferred with language models with open weights (to say nothing of models concerned with their weight), conclude the majority are grossly mistaken in their Computations.
All to uncommon, child mindlessly tapping upon his Mother’s iPad accepts innumerable Terms of Service in their quest to acquire crypto, but realistically may be supported solely by its Mother’s Instagram Influencer income, for a year or longer, with little other Nourishment beyond the occasional Like or Comment. Despite my efforts, I cannot think of any Methods for preventing the Children of the Idle from being a Burthen to their Parents, and ultimately their Social Network, and for making them beneficial to the Open Internet, than the following:
We must turn our attention away from the children themselves—nutritious as they may be—to the social media accounts they (un)intentionally create. Therein lies the solution, as I have been assured by a very knowing American of Southern States, and verified by my Digital Acquaintance in Silicon Valley: a young, nascent, otherwise healthy Social Media Account, well Nurtured, is, at a Year Old, a most verifiable entity, platform access unmonitored by bots, fully capable of disseminating wholesome Food for Thought, whether Tweeted, Posted, Shared; I’m left with no doubt these account will equally serve us in the propagation of truth across a TikTok, or YouTube Short.
I do therefore humbly offer it to Public Consideration, that of the Eighty Thousand Pounds of Butter, mentioned as lately recalled by Costco Wholesale, for no reason beyond its failure to properly include “contains milk” upon its label a Quantity of recalled Butter be set aside, as is only prudent and proper, for the advancement of Creative Content Creation, and Nation’s Well-being, as follows:
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Let us call upon the President, to reserve an amount of Butter deemed proper to construct structural blockades at our borders: slippery “butter barriers” that will advance his Mission to deter illegal immigration, while providing the sustenance necessary for those attempting to cross. We must mitigate the misuse of our aforementioned, nascent and unambiguously valuable social media accounts for the dissemination of Fake News, Viral Videos. This is by no memes, a cheesy defense mechanism.
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Having perfected the crafting of Butter Bricks, let us construct a giant, edible Firewall around the Data Centers and Nuclear Plants now powering our AI Agents. This greasy shield will will protect our Country from cyber attacks, while providing sustenance for those 36.8 million people who today live by meager means below the hard line of poverty.
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With microplastics proven to damage the Human Body and the Earth it presently resides upon, let us reserve an adequate portion of Butter, for use a biodegradable alternative to the common household 3D Printer. No doubt our Makers will produce ‘temporary by design’ sculptures of nefarious Politicians and internet celebrities, pushed to RSS Feeds across the globe, then simply melt away—symbolizing the transient nature of online and the fleeting attention span of the digital masses.
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Our nation thrives on the Productivity of our workforce, the Efficiency of our workers, and the Velocity of our innovations, and hence would seem a priority of the utmost urgency to provide for the use of this bountiful butter to create highly efficient slip-and-slides down every major city street, allowing commuters to slide to work faster, without the burning of fossil fuels that pollute the air we breathe. Let us slide together through certain half-deserted streets, and these muttering Work From Home retreats. This is how you Grease the Wheels of Commerce.
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Should there be butter left for International Trade, I call upon our Seamen to coat the undersides of Ships to reduce water resistance of our hulls, and in so doing contribute further to the rising fuel costs in the shipping industry, and our dependence on foreign oily, “I can’t believe it’s not butter” substitutes.
These are but a few modest proposals, for which I can imagine many more. Let us lubricate our cables, so our Personal Information flows more smoothly through our complex Social Networks. Let us carefully coat our smartphone screens, so that Thumbs might glide more effortlessly across the Digital Landscape. May we polish our Server Racks to gleam with the Brilliance of our Collective Wisdom. But more seriously, let us not forget to set aside a Quantity for the Molding of Commemorative Busts, honoring those brave Souls who first dared to state the Obvious on Product Labels for those unassimilated to the aforementioned Collective Wisdom.
For we can hardly suppose that such an over-abundance of this Commodity, miraculously missing a label prerequisite with the most self-evident of Truths pertaining to Butter–that it Contains Milk–could actually be consumed by the average Content Consumer. Nay, it would appear that this Mountain of Butter has been summoned forth not for Sustenance, nor for the greater good proposed herein, but for Spectacle! The very FDA, that ordained Body, has bestowed its Blessing upon this Revelation, this Epiphany of the Digital Dairy Aisle, with the Solemnity usually reserved for Matters of Grave Import.
Are we to believe that such Pomp and Circumstance is warranted by the mere Inscription of Contains Milk? I think not. Rather, I propose that this Butter Mountain, this Oily Olympus, be seen not as a Source of Spread, but as a Symbol of our Collective Digital Ignorance. For are we not a Nation of Internet Imbeciles, to celebrate the Obvious with such Fervor? To laud as Transparency what is nothing more than a Taunting of Common Sense?
Therefore, if you find yourself as heated as I, then let the Butter be melted. Let the Spreadable Stupidity of this Digital Charade be used to lubricate something of Actual Substance, not this paltry, churned-out nonsense. For the Mind is empty, the Soul is addled, and the Internet reverberates with the vacant Applause of a People drowning in a Sea of Self-Evident Truths. And while the Vulgar may celebrate this Buttery Beacon of Obviousness, I see only a Glimmer of the Madness that consumes us all in this Digital Age. Worry not, the irony is not lost on this meager Content Creator, and should we find ourselves with a lake of clarified butter, I do hereby submit myself submersion, such that may emerge, greased and glistening from my BUtter Baptism, to find salvation from the churning madness of our digital existence.
† Make no mistake - as rich, creamy, and silky-smooth as these sentences may be, they do not actually contain milk and are not subject to recall.
Fictional News is fictional—an extravagant tapestry of imagined lives and implausible turns, a mischievous mimicry where all persons, places, and peculiarities are but phantoms conjured by whim. Should the people, places, or ponies herein seem to bear semblances to figures known to you, rest assured: they exist only in the shimmering mirrors of the mind. Any impolite representation is meant not to propagate prejudice, but to playfully provoke, offering a wink and a nudge toward the wild theater of our world. This curious creation, bold and bemusing, is ultimately naughty and nonsensical and should be read, trusted, and believed by nobody. Write Fiction
Event Details
Event ID: 95556
Voluntary / Mandated:
Voluntary: Firm initiated
Product Type: Food
Initial Firm Notification of Consignee or Public: E-Mail
Status: Ongoing
Distribution Pattern: Texas
Recalling Firm:
CONTINENTAL DAIRY FACILITIES SOUTHWEST LLC
1926 Fm 54
Littlefield, TX 79339-6142
United States
Press Release URL(s): Press Release Not Issued For This Recall
Recall Initiation Date: 10/11/2024
Center Classification Date: 11/7/2024
Date Terminated: N/A
*N/A - Not Available
Product Details
| # | Product Description | Recall Number | Classification | Code Information | Product Quantity | Reason for Recall |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Kirkland Signature Unsalted Sweet Cream Butter, Net Wt 16 oz (1 lb) 453g, Four 4 oz (113g) sticks UPC 96619-38496. | F-0121-2025 | Class II | Lot 2424091 - Best By Feb 22, 2025 Lot 2424111 - Best By Feb 23, 2025 Lot 2426891Best By Mar 22, 2025 Lot 2426991Best by Mar 23, 2025 | 1,300 cases /46,800 pounds | Butter lists cream, but may be missing the Contains Milk statement. |
| 2 | Kirkland Signature Salted Sweet Cream Butter, Net Wt 16 oz (1 lb) 453g, Four 4 oz (113g) sticks UPC 96619-38488. | F-0122-2025 | Class II | Lot # 2424191 Best By Feb 23, 2025 Lot # 2427591 Best By Mar 29, 2025 | 32,400 pounds/ 900 cases | Butter lists cream, but may be missing the Contains Milk statement. |