Bo Burnham - Can’t Handle This (Kanye Rant) - MAKE HAPPY
[00:00:00 - 00:00:10] Performer: I went to Kanye West's recent tour, the Yeezus tour. It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show. He did something very strange at the end of his show, where he ranted for like 20 minutes. It was kind of a rant, kind of a song, he had autotune on his voice, and there was an instrumental in the background. Like this instrumental.[00:00:10 - 00:00:15] (Music plays)[00:00:15 - 00:00:25] Performer: Talked about his problems, race, power. His $90 t-shirts weren't selling very well, that was most of it. And I watched this.[00:00:25 - 00:00:30] Performer: I thought, maybe I could do this. I'll be honest, my problems aren't as high stakes as Kanye's, but I have problems.[00:00:30 - 00:00:45] Performer: And maybe a crowd in New York would be nice enough to indulge me. So as we get to the end of a night of theater and comedy, and sweaters coming on and off, I got one question for you.[00:00:45 - 00:00:55] Performer: And that question is...[00:00:55 - 01:01:00] Performer: Can I say my shit? New York, can I say my shit? I got lots of shit to say! I got lots of shit to say![01:01:00 - 01:01:20] Performer: I can't fit my hand inside a Pringle can. I have a huge amount of trouble fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can. I can get my hand like four inches into the can, but then I have to tilt the can into my mouth.[01:01:20 - 01:01:45] Performer: But by that point, a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can, so they all go spilling onto my face. What I'm trying to say is the diameter of Pringle cans is way too small! [01:01:45 - 01:02:15] Performer: I'll say it again, the diameter of Pringle cans is way too small. Two radiuses of a Pringle can is way too small. If you feel me put your hands up! Come on! If you feel me put your hands up! Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside a Pringle can![01:02:15 - 01:03:00] Performer: Your hands are too big to fit inside a Pringle cans! Your hands are too big to fit inside a Pringle cans! You think you can. I know you can't. You think you can. Pringles, listen to the people! I am sure 90% of the complaint letters you get are about the width of your cans, just make them wider![01:03:00 - 01:03:10] Performer: I've overdone the Pringles thing. Sorry.[01:03:10 - 01:03:30] Performer: I want to have a daughter, want to have a daughter, so I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands in a Pringle can! Yes, I'm still on the Pringle cans thing. Yeah. I'll...I'll move on, all right?[01:03:30 - 01:04:05] Performer: But that is priority numero uno. I don't go to the gym 'cause I'm self-conscious about my body. But I'm self-conscious about my body 'cause I don't go to the gym. Irony can be so painful. That's a catch 22.[01:04:05 - 01:04:15 ] Performer: Let's do this![01:04:15 - 01:04:50] Performer: I went to Chipotle, went to Chipotle. Got myself a chicken burrito. I went down the line, I got like, all these ingredients, and then at the end of the line the guy tried to wrap the burrito, but half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out! He still wrapped it. I was like, "Dude, you should have warned me! You're a burrito expert, you should have told me halfway through, 'Hey man, you might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here!'"[01:04:50 - 01:05:30] Performer: Do you think I want a messy burrito? No one wants a messy burrito! The whole appeal of a burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained within the confines of the tortilla! I wouldn't have gotten half this shit if I knew it wasn't gonna fit in the burrito! All right, look...Wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit. Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit. Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit. I wouldn't have got half of it, like…[01:05:30 - 01:06:10] Performer: I'm okay with small mistakes. If you got no more chicken, I'll take pork. But I'll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork! Wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't...Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't...Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't...Man, I wouldn't have got half of it, like...half of it, like...half of it, like...half of it, right now![01:06:10 - 01:06:30] Performer: I think it's time, I think it's time, that we break it down...[01:06:30 - 01:07:00] (Music/vocalization)[01:07:00 - 01:07:35] Performer: I can sit here and pretend like my biggest problems are Pringle cans and burritos. The truth is, my biggest problem's you. I want to please you, but I want to stay true to myself. [01:07:35 - 01:08:10] Performer: I want to give you the night out that you deserve, but I want to say what I think, and not care what you think about it. A part of me loves you, a part of me hates you, a part of me needs you, a part of me fears you. And I don't think that I can handle this right now.[01:08:10 - 01:09:05] Performer: Handle this right now. I don't think that I can handle this right now. I don't think that I can handle this right now. I don't think that I can handle this right now. Look at them! They're just staring at me like, "Come and watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself." I don't think that I can handle this right. I don't think that I can handle this right. [01:09:05 - 01:09:35] Performer: But they don't even know the half of it right. But they don't even know the half of it. But I know. I'm not a doctor. I'm a pussy. I put on a silly show. I should probably just shut up and do my job. So here I go! Wouldn't have got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit. Wouldn't have got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit. Wouldn't have got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit. Wouldn't have got half...[01:09:35 - 01:10:25] Performer: You can tell them anything if you just make it funny. Make it rhyme. And if they still don't understand you, then you'll run it one more time. I think that I can handle this right. Handle this right. Handle this right. You don't even know the half of it right now. Right now. Handle this right now. Handle this right now. Handle this right now.[01:10:25 - 01:10:30] Performer: Thank you, good night. I hope you're happy.