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Rant to the Public

July 12th, 2009 Posted in Lists, Voyeur, Words

Things you wish you could tell the general public

  • Complaining that we’re out of ___insert product here___ is not going to magically create more that we can sell to you.
  • No, I am not going to fix your computer (for free). No, I am not going to design your website (for free), ( noteven if you promise to put my name on the bottom).
  • There is a little bell that rings when you drive up through the drive-through at the pharmacy. You don’t need to immediately push the Call Button. We know you’re there.
  • You’re fat…please don’t buy that spandex. Stop eating so much crap if you are already fat and concerned with your image. LOSE SOME WEIGHT.
  • Tell your husband/wife to shut when you call me at customer service. I can only deal with one livid customer at a time.
  • Just because you mumbled, ‘Good Luck Everybody Else’ doesn’t mean you can swerve across 5 lanes of traffic to make that oh-so-important left turn that you should have prepared for three blocks ago.
  • Stop expecting me to play charades with your dumb ass since you are too lazy to learn English after moving from Puerto Rico to New England. I am not a caveman, I don’t understand grunts and clicks despite what you point at or act out while making them.
  • Learn to drive. As a cyclist I may be a minor annoyance to you, but you are serious threats to my well-being, especially when I’m going 25 mph and you try to pass me and then cut me off to make your right turn without signalling.
  • MP3 sucks, so stop acting like you enjoy your 128kbps music with your shitty iPod earplugs.
  • When you give the address for me to deliver the pizza to, and it’s an apartment building with floors, please include the floor number, and room number, not just the house number and expect me to call you from the outside. I have limited phone credit and I’m poor. You should also not wait until you are on the phone with me to ask the people around you what they want on their pizza. Pizza sizes are measured by diameter, not by number of slices. Are you too fucking retarded to envision the difference between a meal that will be 14″ in diameter and 16″ in diameter? Don’t complain to me about being a little late if it’s after dark, there’s no lights on your entire street, and you don’t have a house number anywhere on your house. I shouldn’t have to get out of my car and walk up to all of your neighbors’ porches just to figure out where your dumb ass lives.
  • Stop imposing unsolicited beliefs on others, and take a break from the holier than thou attitude.
  • Being from the hood is not a good thing so stop fucking emulating it!
  • Crocs are not cool, not at all, not in any situation and stop demanding that your whole family wear them, its bad enough being seen with you in them let alone all of you.
  • We’ve all heard about Jesus before. The discussion is over, and there is nothing new to say. So, stop talking about him unless it’s in one of those Christian mutual masturbation sessions.
  • Why can’t all of you people learn some fucking lane dedication. And stop fighting over one fucking spot in the merge. We’d all get to where we want to get to 1000x faster if you’d all stop being assholes about it. When you see someone driving along and they want to change lanes in front of you, DO NOT speed up and take the spot they had reserved. Traffic already moves so slow as it is, no need to do this. ESPECIALLY to service vehicles that have 3 windows and 2 dinky little mirrors. Learn to drive and share the road. If I’m going the speed limit and you want to be going faster, don’t ride my ass, just go around. The left lane is for passing only, people. It doesn’t matter that you’re already doing the speed limit; if you’re not passing someone and traffic isn’t bumper to bumper, move the fuck over and save me from having to pass you on the right.
  • If the estimated delivery date is the 24th and your wedding is the 25th, pay the 8 dollars to get it there on the 17th and save us all the trouble of it possibly being late. Don’t complain about shipping rates. For an extra 8 dollars someone is driving your package from our warehouse to the airport, putting it on a damn plan and flying at several hundred miles per hour to your airport and then putting your package on a truck and delivering it to your front porch. I would really rather not wait on the phone for 30 minutes while you decide what you want to order. You should know that before you call, and while we’re on the subject have your credit card with you and know your billing information beforehand.
  • Stop talking to that fucking phone in bus/subway/etc or I’ll stick it in your a$$, sideways.
  • Stop wearing your fucking fake gucci sunglasses inside. I am very bored working this register and I want to stare in to your soul.
  • Tell your damn kid to shut the hell up.
  • When the doors are closed and locked, that means the store is closed. That doesn’t we’re open and that we’ll let you in to shop for a half hour at 10pm on a Friday if you bang incessantly on the door. Other than painkillers, baby formula/diapers and condoms, there’s a not a damn thing you could possibly need at this hour of the night… and you can get it all at 7/11 or a gas station anyway.
  • This is a class that I’m paying good money to sit in and learn shit, so please shut the F up with your sorority gossip until the goddamned lecture is over.
  • If you don’t have headphones with you, don’t play your shitty music out loud from your phone speaker, especially if you’re on the bus or on the subway. Don’t play music out loud on your cellphone, when you are using public transport.
  • Having a handicapped hanging tag doesn’t mean you are entitled to free parking at a special event like a concert. You can’t just show up at a valet parking lot 5 minutes before the show and start demanding free up-close parking because you’re an old miserable fuck that can’t spare $10 to park at your $90 concerto. And stop saying you’re going to sue me because I know the law and I know you CAN’T win. Other things that don’t qualify you for free parking: Being Black, Being a Hot Chick, Being Broke, Being Fat, Having a Nice Car (Bentley and Rolls Royce drivers always feel important enough to pull the free-parking card). Being a passive-aggressive asshole (”Oh I’m just going to run in for 5 minutes” and then disappearing for 2 hours.)

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