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Explosive Journalism - Opinion Columns by Michael Giardina

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Your Free College Diploma
by Michael Giardina

Do me a favor, drop out of school. Send your resignation to the chancellor and step through the elegant doors of Giardina University, where creativity meets functionality. We provide you with the essential skills other universities have long forgotten.

Apply today! No standardized test scores are required to receive an acceptance letter. In fact, if you submit any, you will be denied admission. We feel that corporations bent on making a profit, especially those that create artificial measurements of intelligence, should not prevent you from a lucrative future.

Once admitted to Giardina University, you won't be fishing for a Bull Shit degree (B.S.) or a Boring Artist degree (B.A.). We only offer one degree: Persons Inventively Making Progress (P.I.M.P.).

Sure, we will teach you about Shakespeare and organic chemistry, but we go one step further. As a certified P.I.M.P, you'll learn how writing about sexually confused cross-dressers can lead to literary immortality and how deviously marketing the magical dihydrogen monoxide can score you some cash.

We offer the practical application you need. Go ahead, spend four years studying electrical engineering, but if you want to be a Myth Buster and make a living by firing raw chickens from cannons at car windshields, you will need a little kick to your resume.

So, we offer specialized resume classes. Our program will teach you to accurately describe your previous busboy job or, as we call it, "organizer of initiative-based caffeine management and culinary collaboration, with an emphasis on interpersonal, workflow architecture."

Giardina University teaches the essentials. Learn how to sleep with your competition to encourage mergers (networking skills). Hire the homeless to deface your competitor's billboards (media manipulation). Blatantly false advertise without being the target of a lawsuit (smart marketing).

Interested in acquiring an investor's funding after graduation? Even if you're interested in researching the postmenopausal, emotional distress experienced by fish-loving, Swedish Vikings, we'll direct you to the perfect audience.

Don't believe us? Who do you think single-handedly opened the doors to vampire Goth erotica? Who do you think convinced America that its soul needs chicken soup? Other universities simply can't compete with Giardina University's trained educational specialists.

At this university, you will not sit through tedious, stagnant, discussion sections filled with over 300 people. You won't deal with the ignorant babble of your neighbors. Hell, if you had anything worthwhile to contribute, you wouldn't need to attend our classes, now would you?

So, don't expect to sit in big semicircles and draw on butcher paper. We only deal with the pure, unadulterated, transmission of information. To make that promise a reality, we've implemented a complete "Your Money Back plus Twenty Bucks" guarantee. That's right, if you find any of our classes so tedious and boring that you think you would be better off filling your gut at a Chinese buffet, we will refund your money plus an additional $20.

How can we make such a guarantee? Simple: Giardina University is always one step ahead of you to make sure you are one step ahead of everyone else.

Who has attended Giardina University, you ask? Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Harry Truman, Thomas Edison, and William Faulkner. They all graduated from Giardina University or, as we like to call it, "No University."

Yes, we are a mere concept for intuitive dedication and personal responsibility.



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