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That Should Be Illegal
by Michael Giardina

Laws are great. Without them, chaos. The problem is that there are too many useless ones. Sure, we should keep the ones that prohibit murder and extortion, but some have got to go.

For example, it is illegal in Trout Creek, Utah for pharmacists to sell patients gunpowder as a cure for headaches. I don't know about you, but I generally prefer Tylenol over a double-barreled shotgun.

In good old Chico, Calif., it's illegal to detonate a nuclear device if you are within city limits. The fine for this offense is $500. Well, I guess it would take Osama bin Laden a few months of working at Burger King to pay off that one.

 West Virginia has a nice law on the books: It's illegal for any male to have sex with an animal that exceeds 40 pounds. Even more difficult to imagine, Pacific Grove, Calif. has a law prohibiting anyone from molesting butterflies. I've heard some folks aren't so well endowed, but give me a break.

The constitution of New Mexico has a great law allowing any person living in the state for at least the preceding 12 months to vote in an election, "except idiots, insane persons and persons convicted of a felonious or infamous crime." I want to be the person who gets to diagnose idiocy. That could be fun.

Even worse than these laws are the laws that inhibit human sexuality. In Virginia, for example, it's illegal to have sex with the lights on. Also, you may not partake in any position other than missionary. I'd like to see how they enforce that one.

I'm guessing that Florida has some lawmakers sitting around in the hospitals and I would have loved to have been there when they found justification for this law: It is illegal to have any sort of sexual relations with a porcupine. Yikes. I know some people get a big kick out of taking risks, but come on guys! Try some good old-fashioned foreplay and a playboy. Leave the little pin cushion alone.

With all these ridiculous laws, I figure there has to be room for some more. So, I've got a bunch of propositions I'd like to make for the upcoming elections. First off, why do gas stations get to charge nine-tenths of a penny for gas? I hate having to bring gardening shears to cut up my pennies.

 It should also be illegal for sixteen-year-old girls to sell wrinkle cream on television. Show me a seventy-year-old lady using your product, not some girl who just went through puberty.

While we're making things illegal, how about banning any company from labeling their products with "better" without using "than."

I got tons of these! It should be illegal to advertise male-enhancement drugs with pictures of goofy-looking men running around in a playground full of children. Heck, it should be illegal for the Atkins diet to even exist. You won't turn into an eggplant if you eat a loaf of bread. Get over it!

 But there's one thing that really needs to be illegal: the creation of the jackalope. For those of you not already acquainted with this incredible creation of human ingenuity, the jackalope has the head of a rabbit with deer antlers stuck on top. No, this isn't a miracle of science. Hunting enthusiasts will actually kill rabbits, remove their heads, and add antlers so that children--who are often frightened by moose heads hung on the wall -- will see something a little cuter.

I'm guessing that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals would support a law against this Frankensteinian practice, but apparently little kids prefer to see a severed bunny head that has giant antlers stuck on its little fluffy head with superglue and a sewing machine.