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Stalking for Dummies
by Michael Giardina

This is no manual for stalking the ladies, my friends. I'm just saying, you all are a bunch of dummies in need of some suave sophistication. I hate to break it to you, but (contrary to what the latest Internet pornography might suggest) girls are not turned on by your bulgy eyes staring into their bedroom windows. Sorry, wankers. Exciting as it may seem, you're never going to get past your right hand and a gray gym sock at this rate.

I don't know why, but there has been a mighty increase of desperate voyeurs all over the city of Davis. Sorry, but the better type of man uses communication and respect instead of a pair of binoculars and a black face mask.

Almost every female I know is plagued by these desperate folks, these guys anxious to cop a glance or to sneak themselves into a 'romantic' encounter. Some women have men looking into their windows at night, some have men testing their door every few hours to see if it's locked, some have random guys appearing at their doorstep or sending them lewd messages over the Internet.

How pathetic. Can I recommend...perhaps?a conversation? How about asking a girl (politely) on a date? If they say no, get a clue. Move on. I can guarantee you that when a girl says she doesn't want to date you, that does not mean that sneaking up to her doorstep and leaving five dozen roses and a bunch of sex toys and a fake love poem (that we all know you didn't write) is going to change her mind. Have some self-respect.

So this is for all you desperate folk out there that are on the verge of trouble. Instead of sending inappropriate pictures of your private parts to your little fantasy female, I have a few recommendations for you.

First, try walking up to the female and introducing yourself -- clothed preferably, unless you want to have a date with a Davis Police car. It is probably a good idea to use your 'real name.' By real name, I mean the one your parents gave you. I know it might be hard, but it really might come in handy in the future. You know, marriage and stuff.

The next best thing is a little tactic that I like to call conversation. This involves two people talking to each other and learning about each other's thoughts, beliefs and interests. You're probably thinking that you could learn all of this 'secret' information by standing at her window, but maybe she would rather talk to you without having to call the police as a repercussion of learning of your existence.

Now that we have the formalities taken care of, we should learn about dating. Dating, if you weren't aware, involves two people who actually know they are both on a date. If you require night vision goggles to participate in a date, this is a clear hint that you might not be on what society calls a 'real date.'

Real dates usually involve things like dinner, a movie, coffee, or even a nice glass of wine. Things that should generally be excluded are restraining orders, parents on dairy farms with double-barreled shotguns, caller-ID blocking, and the use of any four-letter word relating to sex or the acquisition thereof. Bummer.

If you are the type of guy who has trouble meeting women, there's a simple solution. First, stop sitting at your computer for eight hours a day and using your digital camera for uses it was clearly not intended for. Next, try becoming a human being who has real interests and thoughts and beliefs. Once you do this, you can express those beliefs and discuss them with females in a respectful and intellectual manner.

In all seriousness, though, if you are being harassed don't just let it slide. Even if you know that there's nothing the police can do, call them. Complain. If females stay silent, nobody will know there is a serious problem. Personally, I can't wait to see this ridiculousness stop. I can't wait for the day that women around the world don't have to carry pepper spray and worry about who sees them wearing a tank-top.

Be careful, respect your bodies.