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So long, farewell
by Michael Giardina

It is a sad and sentimental Friday, for today marks the end of my (almost consummated) marriage to page two. Unfortunately this column will be my last of the academic year. But don't worry, I have extra Kleenex.

I will gallop into the summer sun, venturing forth to save starving children in Borneo, to single-handedly forge peace in the Middle East, and most importantly, to find someone to steal Lamar Heystek's virginity.

At the end of this rough-and-tumble year of many wild Fridays, you're probably wondering if there is a point to all of my ranting, joking, bashing and sexing. Well, I'd like to think there is.

Life is a wild mix of pleasure and sorrow, of frustration and relaxation. Death has no pleasure or sorrow; no frustration or relaxation. Everything evens out on both sides of the equation, and all that's left to us in life is a drive that seems to surpass all these ephemeral states, a drive towards passion, creation, and art.

If you want to live longer so to chase these passions, then support health care. People who need medication to live shouldn't have to sell crack to buy a $75 pill that cures pituitary cancer.

If you succeed in your creative endeavors, try subliminal messages; however, instead of trying to convince horny teenage boys to chase a pop star, how about encouraging peace or fostering a desire to feed hungry people?

There are hundreds of laws in the world that attempt to sanction your acts and words. Fight against laws that threaten jail sentences for partaking in any position other than missionary or for homosexuality.

Our bodies are the only things we have in this world. Women, respect and love your bodies. Don't feel ashamed of your sexuality or let others call you a slut for being close to a man or woman. Most importantly, don't keep rape a silent issue.

To men and women alike, feel free to shed your clothes, admire your bodies, and run naked through the streets. Anyone who thinks a body should be banned has soul searching to do.

The world is turning into a giant circus. Reality television shows, 50 Cent albums, every hip new movie, every spam e-mail offering impotence drugs and painkillers is a step toward unhappiness. If artists with passion can't succeed in this shallow entertainment industry, then they better start shipping the pain killers with the new art.

Help fight the battle against sexually transmitted diseases. Once the fear subsides, we can safely frolic in the streets, love our friends, and cherish their minds and bodies.

The only way to fight the overwhelming frustration we all seem to feel in this nation where Prozac and ADD are as common as candy, is to spread positive energy in every waking hour. We can't rely on the government to tell us the truth overseas and can't trust huge conglomerations that slant the news in every direction.

All we have is our actions. We can stand up for ourselves in the face of those who preach hate or we can offer our friend that last barbecued pork chop.

I want to thank the editors at The California Aggie for offering me the opportunity to voice my opinion and spread positivity throughout the city. Thank you to all the readers who supported, flamed, or loved my column. I even forgive those who mistook my odd verbiage for a complicated crossword puzzle.

Clink! Here's to a wonderful summer of passion, peace, love, creation and exploration. God willing, or perhaps Daniel Stone willing, I will have the opportunity to write for you once against next year. Until then, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye.