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Sexist Holidays
by Michael Giardina

Judith Viorst, discussing the intricacies of human affection, once wrote that "love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia." So, I guess I should be happy that Valentine's, the day of love, is fast approaching.

Unfortunately, I am not all that excited. Valentine's Day is a little too one-sided for me. Advertisers across the country barrage hopelessly romantic men with their pricey roses, chocolates, and diamonds. It's all about the men throwing their hearts to the women.

Sure, I can be a suave and charismatic man, romantic and chivalrous. I just don't think a national holiday is the day to sneak yourself into a relationship with that special someone. A pink plastic box filled with little baby hearts that taste like cough medicine hardly proves your devotion.

I even saw a new service this year for "personalized roses." That's right, for only $39.95 you can have a rose sent to your lover that has a personal message, inscribed with a laser, charred directly onto those little red rose petals. Wow, sounds romantic.

A man in love will make his care and dedication clear every day of his life. He won't ask Hallmark to write a sappy love poem. He will write a sappy love poem himself. He won't give you a giant red box of chocolates that is shaped like a heart. Instead, he will bring a huge tank of kerosene to your doorstep at two in the morning and set a colossal flaming heart in the middle of your driveway. That's love.

Nonetheless, I have no doubt that Valentine's Day will continue in this monotonous and rather sexist rut. The only thing I can do is to strive for equality. That is why I developed a number of ways the women out there can show your man you care.

1. The Forty Heart: Purchase twenty 40s of Steel Reserve. Sneak into his room and place them on his bed in the shape of a heart. Feel free to place a sappy love poem in the center, if that's your thing.

2. Re-enact the Trojan War: Buy a 10-pack of his favorite Trojans and slip them under his windshield wipers. On the box, write: "For use on Valentine's Day only."

3. Secret Surprise: On the big day, avoid him. Don't answer any phone calls or risk running into him. At three in the morning, knock on his door. When he opens it, he will see you wearing absolutely nothing, holding two glasses of fine merlot.

4. Role Reversal: Does your man pay for all the dates? Tonight you should take him to a fancy restaurant and tell him "This one's on me." Later that night, you can use the same line when you pull the whipped cream from the refrigerator.

5. Play Doctor: Is your man stressed about an upcoming test? Why don't you offer to forge him a doctor's note so he can get that cherished PTD number?

6. Playboy 101: Even if it makes you a little nervous, show him you care by asking to see his favorite adult films. If he gets suspicious, just let him know you were hoping to learn some new tricks.

7. Dicks Flick: This year, it's time to show him how much you appreciated him watching Titanic with you. Bring over the complete seasons of "Family Guy," the commercials from the last Super Bowl, a ton of Nacho Cheese Doritos, and a few bottles of Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor.

So it looks like I've drifted into a sexist void, but don't worry. It's all about equality. Use one of my handy suggestions and you will definitely receive that cherished box of chocolates and laser-inscribed roses next year.