Explosive Journalism - Opinion Columns by Michael GiardinaHilarious articles, funny columns, blatant journo-scolding.
From Rambo to Rambone
by Michael Giardina
Remember Mr. Potato Head, Primp and Polish Barbie, and Tamagotchi key chains? Well, chuck them in the Dumpster. As you transition into adulthood, you get new toys. Welcome to Giardina's adult toy store. Please leave your pants at the register.
Unfortunately, to stock up on adult toys, you must leave Davis. Although such gadgets offer pleasure, the Davis Municipal Code holds that adult stores "contribute to the blighting or downgrading of the surrounding neighborhoods." Davis can now join the prude club alongside the redneck state that has a complete ban on all adult toys, Alabama. I wonder what their stance is on the electric toothbrush.
Now that you've driven to the blighted and downgraded Sacramento, I'm sure you're nervous about your new toy options. Luckily you don't need to jump straight to the Rambone, because sex-toy manufacturers have stepping-stone toys reminiscent of the childhood ones you're used to. Don't believe me?
Ladies, perhaps you'll enjoy the Hello Kitty vibrator from Sanrio. No
joke. This personal massager features your favorite little feline to ease
your ... nerves.
Perhaps this Christmas you'll enjoy the finger snowman, "decorated like a frosty friend to warm you up." I'm not sure how this frosty gadget is supposed to warm, but I'll take their word for it. There's even a vibrating Harry Potter broomstick that can take you to new heights.
Once you're a veteran, you can move on to more ominous toys like "Naughty Gnome", "Big Indian" ,and "Heart Breaker II?" Or the world-famous "Rabbit."
There's just one problem: all these toys are for women. What about men?
Don't we qualify as patrons of all things sex? Beer commercials sure seem
to think so. Being the down and dirty columnist I am, I decided to investigate.