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Non-Lethal Antics
by Michael Giardina

Instead of shooting at enemy troops, you want to spray them with a chemical to make them gay? It sounds ridiculous, but some newly declassified documents at the Pentagon discuss just this strategy.

According to MSNBC, the military recently rejected a 1994 proposal for this new "chemical weapon" that could be sprayed on enemy troops. This aphrodisiac would sexually arouse enemy combatants to the point that they would find other fighters too irresistible to keep fighting. This sounds like a bad episode of a Sailor Moon.

I'm glad my tax dollars are going to such admirable scientific projects. If you thought that was peculiar, you will be glad to hear that the documents propose even more creative weapons, including a chemical to attract stinging wasps and angry rats to enemy positions, or even a chemical that would cause prolonged bad breath.

I'm no war strategist, but if we have the potential to make such complicated chemicals, I think we could be a little more creative. Let's have a little more fun with this whole non-lethal weaponry thing.

There was even a proposed chemical that would make the enemy's skin seriously sensitive to sunlight. Crap, I've been hit! I guess it's back to Transylvania.

To be honest, though, if the Pentagon's men in black stopped by my doorstep this evening and offered me a pretty penny to develop some non-lethal weaponry, I don't think I could turn them down.

First on my agenda would be the development of the Happy Bomb. The Happy Bomb would splatter a wonderful chemical all over the enemies that would make them extremely susceptible to Family Guy jokes. Immediately after the Happy Bomb explosion, we will send in big movie screens, playing the Amsterdam episode repeatedly. Lost in a world of quick wit, vulgar jokes, and overall excitement, the enemy will be too glued to the couch to move. No more fighting, just a beer-tipping, Hot Pocket adventure.

How about using up our tax dollars on a new chemical that will make an enemy think that he is one of those cute squirrels from the Aggie cartoon pages. I mean, if the enemy is searching around trash cans for a churro, I think we can assume he won't be shooting many rounds at us.

When in doubt, go for the food. How about a chemical weapon that makes everything in the world taste like a mixture of mustard, Lean Cuisine, and microwavable spinach? As the enemy shoves a yummy piece of Tandoori chicken into his mouth, he will quiver with fear and shock as his taste buds deceive him.

I have always been a fan of those neat tasers that the police carry around ? the ones that shoot two needles that shock the perpetrator. Well, instead of shocking them, I think it should inject a heroic dose of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). Instead of forcing the enemies to the ground with pain, we can force them to sing Bob Marley tunes and master the bongos. We get the job done and inspire a few folks to the wonders of reggae music. Two birds, one stone.

Last but not least, how about a chemical weapon that causes everyone to suddenly leap into the collective unconscious? I know, I know. We'll need a huge supply of the chemical, but it will be worth it. All coming together as a single consciousness, we will no longer have a need for Plato bombs and Nietzsche missiles. Bongos will suffice, one eternal drum circle.