Opinion Columns > Abstract Poetry > Contact Us > Michael Giardina > Home


Explosive Journalism - Opinion Columns by Michael Giardina

             Hilarious articles, funny columns, blatant journo-scolding.


Internet Sexperiment
by Michael Giardina

Welcome to the dark recesses of the Internet underworld. I, for one, sure stumbled into some shady business this week. Recently, Aggie columnist Deborah Seiler argued that sex should be more than the selfish pleasure of an endorphin rush. Honorable, but do people really want emotionless sex? I decided to find out.

The experimental setup: I loaded the craigslist.com "Casual Encounters" personal ads; basically, an online forum for finding a no-strings-attached sexual fling. I posted random pictures in two fake ads for an average-looking male and female ? both wanting a sex partner. I posted them at 3:30 p.m.

By 3:50 p.m., "Chris" had not received an e-mail response; however, "Sarah" received 23. By 7:30 p.m., Sarah had over 150 men begging for her body. Chris, on the other hand, maintained a steady zero. As I write this column, Sarah has 280. You can guess how many Chris has.

Perhaps I picked too cute a female. To check, I posted one last fake ad featuring a 300-pound woman with crooked teeth. Ten minutes later, she had eleven men asking for sex.

It appears Seiler was unequivocally correct. Some men are desperate for the rush. If nothing else, this suggests a huge market for the perfect male sex toy.

Even more frightening was the content of the e-mails. Muscular middle-aged men and balding college professors were chasing my fictional young Sarah. Even one 14-year-old boy with a red mohawk got excited.

Some were suave: "Every girl I meet thinks I am cute and usually has a crush on me at some point." Sounds charming.

"I work out 10 minutes to six hours a day." Who doesn't love those 10-minute shower workouts?

"My biggest turn-on is sucking a woman's toes." Better watch out for bunions.

Or, "I am far from shallow, I mean I can hold conversation." Will you hold me like you hold conversation?

Some were downright deplorable. One man said, "I enjoy fantasy and dominance role-play. We could start with something like turning you over Daddy's knee." One word: disgusting.

They begged Sarah to play an "erotically mysterious fantasy." One guy, who looked like a bleached blond from "Beverly Hills 90210," asked if Sarah was a "dominant vixen in knee-high, black, patent-leather boots wanting a trained house-boy." Wow, I didn't know house boys could be trained. I don't even know what a house boy is.

Each man had a unique pick-up plan. I've never met so many firefighters, truck drivers, sheet metal workers, or EMTs in one hour. My guess is that they're probably garden attendants, fashion designers or advertising agents. Oh yeah, and Sarah doesn't want a 10-page story about your ex-wife.

Men even sent pictures of giant penises to Sarah's inbox. One even attached a picture of a phallic cactus, obviously trying to subliminally sex Sarah up.

It's amazing that so many men spend their days in search of absolutely any sort of sexual play. Their time would be better spent downloading pornography.

Perhaps this dark pseudo-sexual underworld is the result of sexual repression. As they grow up, men probably think about sex a few hundred times an hour more than they should and are constantly silenced, constantly asked to hide their desires. I suppose those repressed thoughts become dark fantasies. So?.

Let's not teach safe sex and repression. Let's teach safe sex and the art of the Roman orgia, honoring sex, wine and ritual dance. I'd like to see Anna Ritner try that one on for size.



....................................................................................