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Davis Truthiness
by Michael Giardina

In the last four years, I've been assaulted by a barrage of bullets from the Davis badlands, have traversed the city's slumlord ghetto and survived in the face of unholy adversity.

But what kind of selfish dog would I be if I weren't to share with you the lessons I've learned? An ugly poodle. And since nobody in their right mind would love a poodle, I offer to you - without hesitation - this whirlwind of Davis truthiness.

Lesson No. 1: If you're poor, avoid any human being who carries a clipboard and waves large, circular, orange stickers at you. If you need beer money, mass produce orange stickers and sell CalPIRG protection devices for $2.50 per quarter.

Lesson No. 2: When local restaurants stuff their grub in buckets and drag it to the farmers market, you're buying their leftovers. Shame on you, Kathmandu Kitchen (though your chicken is delicious). Walk a block for fresh food.

Lesson No. 3: Don't trust landlords. They will go to any length to make sure their extra cash is not used to improve the lives of their tenants. Dowling Properties adopted a freeway instead of paying for the standard upkeep of its rentals. Once again, public relations proves more important than ... the public.

Lesson No. 4: If you want to make a political statement and get people to listen, don't make articulate arguments or waste your time in debate. Simply strap 20 banana peels to a tree.

Lesson No. 5: To treat your fellow drivers to a slick, pearl paintjob, surround the University Mall parking lot with quarter-sticks of dynamite (M80s) and set them off in unison when the crows are nesting.

Lesson No. 6: Every ASUCD election is scandalous. Get over it. But if you really can't think of a legitimate way to win, simply invent a catchy slate acronym that will catch the reader's eye. How about Earnest Losers Envisioning Campus Truth in Leadership Engagements, Deserving Youth Scholarly Functions Under New Campus Tests in Obsolete Necessities? (E.L.E.C.T.I.L.E. D.Y.S.F.U.N.C.T.I.O.N.). Vote ED for Senator.

Lesson No. 7: Dumpster dive. Only in Davis will a single Dumpster reward scavengers with: a George Foreman grill, a six pack of soy milk, an uneaten pizza, a functional and unopened PlayStation 2, five bags of fireworks, 12 N64 games and an envelope with $40.

Lesson No. 8: While students debate whether or not cow tipping is feasible, Davis professors actually act. Think it takes too many people? Try hemp rope, a tractor and shots of Bacardi 151. Sorry, Generation X. The old fogies have you cornered.

Lesson No. 9: Don't listen to an iPod while riding your bicycle or you'll receive a $100 traffic ticket. However, if you pound death metal in your Chevrolet Chevette, people just smile at you.

Lesson No. 10: To test if you can drink the local water, simply pour a glass and let it sit on the counter for 15 minutes. If white crumbly foam appears on the top of your glass, you're probably better off chugging chlorinated, toddler-enhanced pool water.

Lesson No. 11: MySpace sucks. It's as useful as a toad tunnel.

Lesson No. 12: TAPS has nothing better to do ... ever.

Lesson No. 13: Consider this: Your bike is stolen; the police catch the thief riding your bike; they characterize him as a well-known tweaker meth addict. As a result, they have his name and home address. Surprise, there's no way in hell you're ever going to get your bike back. Welcome to Davis.

Lesson No. 14: There is a noise violation taking place everywhere at all times.

Lesson No. 15: Live up to your own potential. Nobody will hand you success. Determination and initiative are all you have. Long live Samuel Adams and Exxon Valdez.