Opinion Columns > Abstract Poetry > Contact Us > Michael Giardina > Home

Explosive Journalism - Opinion Columns by Michael Giardina

             Hilarious articles, funny columns, blatant journo-scolding.

Cockfighting, condoms, etc.
by Michael Giardina

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals will be glad to know that they can now participate in the wildly exotic sport of cockfighting. Thanks to U.S. Patent No. 4,432,545, the Non-Lethal Cock Fighting System, we can all avoid the frustrating guilt associated with bloody feathers and rotting gizzards.

Yes, some sorry son of a farmer decided to attach pressure sensitive electrodes to the rear end of his feathered friends and then padded their claws with mittens. Thanks to his ingenuity, we can watch a bunch of impotent cocks thinking they're king of the hill. Sounds like a fraternity party to me.

Why do the stupid people of the world insist on being inventors? I have no doubt that some dunce was tinkering around his workshop, trying to find the cure for cancer, when he accidentally stumbled upon this invention: the Force-Sensitive, Sound-Playing Condom. No joke. U.S. Patent No. 5,163,447 is held by one Paul Lyons. I'm excited to upload some new songs to my condom. Imagine the possibilities while you're mid-coitus: What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?

I swear freaks have too much time on their hands. Which nimrod decided it would be worth humanity's time to invent a toaster that burns a picture onto your toast?

Yes, the Pop Art Toaster will engrave your morning breakfast toast with your choice of hearts, snow flakes, flowers, birthday cakes or smiley faces. You just know some obnoxious scam artist got the idea while trying to make Virgin Mary toast slices to sell on eBay. I always knew virgins went well with strawberry jam.

If you're not hungry for toast and need a quick way to muster up the munchies, you might be interested in U.S. Patent No. 4,158,549: Marijuana-Scented Incense. What's next, bong water-flavored bagels?

I mean, what in the hell do you do with marijuana-scented incense sticks? Light them near police officers to get naughty pat downs when you're feeling a little lonely? "Excuse me, Officer Bones, do you smell something burning?"

If you need an incense holder, you might consider the Remote Control Middle Finger. According to advertisements, you can "Give someone the finger with the push of a button." Does it really take less energy to push a button than to raise your own finger? Perhaps this is marketed to handless gimps - or the phalanges-impaired.

Some of these retarded inventions sell for over $434. For example, Telewest Broadband is developing a device that lets you attach scents to your e-mail messages. In theory, you'll be able to send a little cologne with your love letter.

But if the kind of e-mail I receive now is in any way representative of the kind of smells I'll be receiving, I don't want anything to do with it. I don't even want to know what kind of scents these Viagra salesmen will try to tempt me with. "If this scent doesn't get you excited, you need to ask your doctor about Viagra today!"

And whose bright idea was it to give Internet access to microwaves? If my LG MG5682NL Internet Microwave accidentally gets infected with spyware, will I have to find a popup blocker before I can nuke my Oscar Meyer wiener? Screw that, I don't want anything getting between me and my sausage.

I guess even stupid inventions become popular: the car alarm. When has the car alarm done anything more than annoy everyone within earshot? And what's with the ridiculous sounds? Do you think a burglar is going to simultaneously think, "Oh no, the police! Wait, now it's a fire truck. No, now it's a circus. Save me!"

All car alarms do is inspire me to mess with your ride. If your car wakes me up at 2 a.m. because a bird crapped on it, please expect a sledge hammer in your driver's seat. If your car honks at me when I walk by, expect to find your mirrors on the ground.