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The Church of Historyology
by Michael Giardina
Excuse me, reader. Would you like a Free Gullible Test? It's quick and painless. Just place your hands on this Giardina Electrometer. It measures how much mental resistance you have built against knowledge of the past.
I've recently learned of a credible, detailed religion called Historyology. I would like to share with you its teachings, developed by renowned author Michael Giardina.
Historyologists believe people - referred to as people in Historyologist terminology - are created by intercourse and emerge from magical realms that we refer to as wombs. As evidence for our beliefs, Historyologists point to every human ever born. All of them. Even Jesus.
Furthermore, we believe humans live a single life and then die. Thus far, nobody in our religious circle has uncovered a living person who previously had a body but has since lost track of its exact location. This is a relief, as there are too many people in the world anyway.
Historyologists don't believe that people are innately good or innately evil. Instead, we believe that people are naturally opportunistic and interact competitively. The persons most fit then thrive, survive and then produce more fit persons with similar traits. We're fond of Darwin.
Our practitioners aren't interested in converting the lonely, depressed people who limp up to Wal-Mart. We don't pester old men and women at the Asian markets. We don't set up giant tents on university campuses. No, we're much more parasitic than that. We target little children and pawn our wares through government-sponsored programs that we refer to as history classes.
One fundamental tenant of Historyology is the ARC Circle: People's decisions are perpetually controlled by arrogance, retribution, and cash. We keep passing through our lives on the path of this circle. History always repeats itself and that's why it's important to learn from the past.
Despite rumors, Historyology is not a cult. Instead, we are the distributors of truth. We help you understand and answer the universal questions of existence by encouraging applied dedication to the study of Historyology. To that end, we have developed an eclectic variety of religious scriptures known as history books.
But, we have a special title for those who are open to learning about the past and clearing their minds of manipulative jargon. This special level of spiritual awareness, referred to as "educated," is only offered to those willing to, as we call it, "learn." Once you have properly learned, you will find yourself able to operate more efficiently and logically. Decisions are all of a sudden doused with a magical, unexplained "educated-ness."
Please note that Historyologists should not be confused with a group known as Scientologists, who supposedly sail out to sea on a ship called Freewinds to learn from the space tyrant Xenu. The being was imprisoned in a mountain, protected by an eternal force field after kidnapping people and bringing them to Teegeeack.
If you give us a chance, you'll learn the many facts of history. For example, we are well trained in the ancient Historyology art of defenestration. Not familiar with the practice? According to the American Heritage Dictionary, defenestration is defined as, "An act of throwing someone or something out of a window." Believe me. Look up the Defenestration of Prague. There's a reason George Bush doesn't fall out of windows while choking on pretzels. He's a full-blown Historyologist.