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Careful what I wish for
by Michael Giardina

Do you have fun or do you make fun? Having fun means being passively entertained, but making fun - especially in this goofy, backwards ghost town - requires a kind of quirky social debauchery that few have openly embraced.

So let me help you along by offering up some ridiculously delightful acts of social depravity that you should never, under any circumstance, consider doing for fun in this fine city.

Have you seen the International House? It's that pure white building with bold, blue lettering on Fifth Street. Perhaps I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, but doesn't anyone have the pressing urge to add "of Pancakes" at the end, set up shop, and sell IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity specials?

I swear, all the eggheads look suspiciously stoned. In fact, one allegedly smoked too many Swisher Sweets, thought he could fly and jumped off Mrak Hall into the courtyard, where his remains lie. So in the spirit of accurate reconstruction, shouldn't some bored art students sculpt a whole host of appropriately scaled spliffs to attach to our bald buddies? No, of course they shouldn't.

Here's another little-known fact that lends itself precisely to the kind of social debauchery I am so wholeheartedly discouraging: Except for on bulletin boards, nobody on campus has any clue which posters are supposed to be posted on which wall. So, as long as you use a broomstick to place your photo out of reach, it's likely the decoration will stay for years. In fact, a small photograph of two baby chicks was hidden in a campus building two years ago and still remains to this day. I dare you to find it.

If you ask me, the Arboretum is just begging for havoc. So I recommend studying the intricacies of entomology and decomposition. Are the Nugget's Smart Chicken brand's breasts any better than the traditional Foster Farms birdies? Find out by hiding rotting gizzards in an undisclosed location and photographing your dank work of rotting art each day.

It's a known fact that Davis ducks are so fearless that, instead of flying away, they merely meander in the opposite direction of anyone who approaches. It seems to me that with approximately 10 dedicated folks, one could easily herd a few valiant ducks into 194 Chemistry. I recommend a Daffy Duck barbecue using the conveniently placed Bunsen burners and an additional samurai sword for swift chopping.

On a number of boring evenings, I've seen drunk and blazed fraternity drifters try to mount the huge 5th Street Davis bicycle. That's cute and all, but I'm not going to hop on the silly "ride the bike" phenomenon until some engineer actually figures out how to rig that thing up and literally rides it away with cops giving chase at high speed. Just imagine it: You'd go down in history for the most hilarious clip to ever air on "World's Wildest Police Videos." Now that's the kind of ambition I can roll with.

If there were ever a candidate for a flash mob, Off-Campus Books on A Street would be the perfect target. For those unfamiliar with the term, flash mobs are organized groups of folks who instantaneously appear in a previously agreed upon location in swarms, perform an activity, and then leave as fast as they came.

Since Off-Campus Books is so frightened that students will steal their precious, overpriced used textbooks, I (don't) recommend that 800 students magically appear on their doorstep and purchase a book. Even appearing with the intent to buy a book, the owners would be so busy trying to get everyone to put their expensive backpacks outside, that their misplaced social anxiety will undoubtedly result in violent seizure.