A series of ups and downs.

Birth–series of meaningless events–death.

Started badly, but improving over time.

Seen too much, waiting to die.

Who? What? When? Where? and WHY?

Hurry up, get anxious, wait forever.

Thought i was wrong; was right.

Bipolar, unmotivated, going nowhere really fast.

Slowly searching; destruction of self… imminent.

Trust God, clean house, help others.

Gell in love, felt like crap.

Destroy your fears; heaven right here.

Humiliation, contempt, disgust, fear, loathing, compassion.

Get money, get paid, then die.

Sing in shower. Dance in bed.

Everything has already been thought of.

If you could see emotion. Wow.

Why do they make this necessary?

I don’t have much to do.

Lost and found; a lonely crowd.

Hoping yesterday comes back to stay.

Who am I? Who are you?

Life’s a bitch, then you die.

In retrospect, that wasn’t so bad.

For sale: baby shoes, never worn

Wasn’t productive today. Had fun, though.

Too much time on my hands.

I need to get out more.

Want more. Do more. Be more.

My mom-and-dad’s condom broke.

Lots of promise, so little delivered.

Wrote something accurate; now I’m sad.

I really should stop, it hurts.

In China the kites have beards.

If I had a grappling hook…

Why is the world like this?

Not sure if I am indecisive.

Pinned and wriggling on the wall.

I am moving towards the grave.

But how does that actually work?

Must stop wasting time on that.

I need to sleep. Bye, bye.

GET OFF THE COMPUTER; DO WORK

1. What do you mean, ‘is it in yet?’
2. Are you a girl?
3. Are you pregnant? (when not)
4. Did you just queef?
5. How often do you masturbate?
6. Is that my kid?
7. Did you notice chocolate pudding spots on your pants?
8. Are you being a bitch or is your period coming?
9. Where do I put this?
10. How much do you charge for that
11. No–What’s in YOUR pocket?
12. Are you PMSing?
13. Why are you ugly?
14. Do you ’shave’?
15. You know this is just sex, right?
16. Oh, you vote?
17. Why are you out of the kitchen?
18. Doz the carpet match teh drapes?
19. When you gonna let me tap dat?
20. Oh, shit! Did it just break?
21. Did you know you’ve got a bit of a lip fuzz?
22. Does that hair on your arms bother you?
23. Did you forget to ’shave’ today?
24. Your not keeping it, are you?
25. Were you scared the first time you put a tampon in?
26. Whats that smell?
27. What are you doing in my bed?
28. Roses are Red Charcoal is black. Why is your chest as flat as your back?
29. Do you have a cuter sister?
30. Would you rather have sex with a chimpanzee or your own father?
31. How many tampoons do actually have in there?
32. Want to, uh, go do something?
33. So, uh, you like…. stuff?
34. Hej Anna Book?
35. Could you please shave that?
36. Could you please try harder not to use your teeth?

On 5 June 1995 an adult male mallard (Anas platyrhynchos) collided with the glass façade of the Natuurhistorisch Museum Rotterdam and died. An other drake mallard raped the corpse almost continuously for 75 minutes. Then the author disturbed the scene and secured the dead duck. Dissection showed that the rape-victim indeed was of the male sex. It is concluded that the mallards were engaged in an ‘Attempted Rape Flight’ that resulted in the first described case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard.

Duck homosexuality, necrophilia, non-consensual copulation, mallard, Anas platyrhynchos?

• Instead of doing the dishes, use a CD spindle’s plastic cover as a cereal bowl.
• Out of toilet paper? Wipe your rear with a pair of socks and toss ‘em.
• Multitask: Eat sandwich and piss simultaneously.
• Don’t vacume the carpet for a a year, then buy a rug to throw over the carpet.
• Bathroom occupied? Kitchen sink!
• Eat coldcuts directly from butcher bag.
• Out of chips? Pick off chunks of uncooked ramen noodles.
• Out of toilet paper? Find a phone book.
• No mop to clean up spilled beer? Find a cat.
• Leave huge bag of cat food on its side; cat will feed itself.
• Screw mops. Drop paper towel and push it around with your foot.
• Drink a screwdriver out of your dog bowl. (You don’t have a dog, right?)
• Dinner time: cupcakes, beer.
• Leave the toilet paper on top of the spinner and old empty tube.
• Mix drinks in Costco-sized Tylenol bottles.
• Let the cat vomit dry on the carpet, then scrape it loose with a shoe. (You don’t have a cat, right?)
• Urinate outside or in a cup because the door to the backyard is closer than the bathroom.
• Use old grocery bags as trash bags.
• Use chopsticks to eat Cheetos so you won’t get orange fingers.
• Never unload the dishwasher. Remove dishes until its empty. Then load it back up.
• Buy epic tub of cookie dough, plop it on a cake pan. Bake a super cookie.

When I was eight years old, I received the Guinness book of world records for Christmas. I vividly remember a picture of the guy with the world’s longest fingernails: he had these long, curling, writhing, cumbersome, spirals that extended from his fingertips. I thought to myself, “I’m still pretty young. If I start now, I might one day have the record.” I decided to clip all my nails except my right thumb, which I would attempt to grow exceedingly long (I figured growing all the nails would be too impractical).

I neglected cutting the nail on my right thumb past a couple nail-clipping cycles, then decided to just cut it off. It never grew very long at all, and I put that dream to rest… temporarily. Several years later and for no particular reason, I decided to keep my nail clippings in a plastic container to see how many I could accumulate (in an inspired flash of OCD, I considered cataloging and labeling them in ziploc baggies by date and right/left/hand/foot, but that never happened because of laziness). I did, however, manage to save every single one of my fingernail and toenail clippings for a good 2-3 years - approximately a half-cup of clippings.

That was probably ten years ago, now. It’s not something that I would ever normally think about, let alone tell anyone. In fact, I had pretty much forgotten about it completely… until today, when I came across my ten year old collection of every fingernail and toenail I had ever clipped for a period of 2-3 years.

The End

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.

However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he’s not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he’s attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that is how most companies’ policies get established.

Courtesy of Laugh IT Out

“Just walked out of Bruno. Awful awful movie”

“I never walk out of movies. Seriously walked out of Bruno.”

“Just walked out of Bruno… Hillarious”

“BRUNO IZ NOT FUNNY!!!!!! IF U LIKE HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVITIES GO N SEE IT… I WALKED OUT IT WAS TOO GAY FOR ME”

“Omg what a disgusting movie I walked out!!!!! Don’t waste you $ or time on going to see Bruno gross”

“BRUNO was almost ruined by the people who walked out with about 15 minutes left.”

“Just walked out of Bruno the movie – getting refund should be rated X ewwww”

“Just walked out of the movie Bruno. Not even half as funny as borat and shows much more dick and balls. Don’t” recomend it.”

“Walked out of Bruno 20mins into the movie…. Do not see it.”

“Went and saw Bruno last night. Only three people walked out. I sort of expected more.”

“Bruno was fantastich. The number of people who walked out of the theater made it even funnier. Yay liberals!”

“After BRUNO last night, an asian father and son duo walked out, uncomfortable and unable to look at each other, walking 3ft apart… yikes.”

“Five people walked out of Bruno, makes me wonder how anyone could possibly be that ignorant in the age of instant information”

• Complaining that we’re out of ___insert product here___ is not going to magically create more that we can sell to you.
• No, I am not going to fix your computer (for free). No, I am not going to design your website (for free), ( noteven if you promise to put my name on the bottom).
• There is a little bell that rings when you drive up through the drive-through at the pharmacy. You don’t need to immediately push the Call Button. We know you’re there.
• You’re fat…please don’t buy that spandex. Stop eating so much crap if you are already fat and concerned with your image. LOSE SOME WEIGHT.
• Tell your husband/wife to shut when you call me at customer service. I can only deal with one livid customer at a time.
• Just because you mumbled, ‘Good Luck Everybody Else’ doesn’t mean you can swerve across 5 lanes of traffic to make that oh-so-important left turn that you should have prepared for three blocks ago.
• Stop expecting me to play charades with your dumb ass since you are too lazy to learn English after moving from Puerto Rico to New England. I am not a caveman, I don’t understand grunts and clicks despite what you point at or act out while making them.
• Learn to drive. As a cyclist I may be a minor annoyance to you, but you are serious threats to my well-being, especially when I’m going 25 mph and you try to pass me and then cut me off to make your right turn without signalling.
• MP3 sucks, so stop acting like you enjoy your 128kbps music with your shitty iPod earplugs.
• When you give the address for me to deliver the pizza to, and it’s an apartment building with floors, please include the floor number, and room number, not just the house number and expect me to call you from the outside. I have limited phone credit and I’m poor. You should also not wait until you are on the phone with me to ask the people around you what they want on their pizza. Pizza sizes are measured by diameter, not by number of slices. Are you too fucking retarded to envision the difference between a meal that will be 14″ in diameter and 16″ in diameter? Don’t complain to me about being a little late if it’s after dark, there’s no lights on your entire street, and you don’t have a house number anywhere on your house. I shouldn’t have to get out of my car and walk up to all of your neighbors’ porches just to figure out where your dumb ass lives.
• Stop imposing unsolicited beliefs on others, and take a break from the holier than thou attitude.
• Being from the hood is not a good thing so stop fucking emulating it!
• Crocs are not cool, not at all, not in any situation and stop demanding that your whole family wear them, its bad enough being seen with you in them let alone all of you.
• We’ve all heard about Jesus before. The discussion is over, and there is nothing new to say. So, stop talking about him unless it’s in one of those Christian mutual masturbation sessions.
• Why can’t all of you people learn some fucking lane dedication. And stop fighting over one fucking spot in the merge. We’d all get to where we want to get to 1000x faster if you’d all stop being assholes about it. When you see someone driving along and they want to change lanes in front of you, DO NOT speed up and take the spot they had reserved. Traffic already moves so slow as it is, no need to do this. ESPECIALLY to service vehicles that have 3 windows and 2 dinky little mirrors. Learn to drive and share the road. If I’m going the speed limit and you want to be going faster, don’t ride my ass, just go around. The left lane is for passing only, people. It doesn’t matter that you’re already doing the speed limit; if you’re not passing someone and traffic isn’t bumper to bumper, move the fuck over and save me from having to pass you on the right.
• If the estimated delivery date is the 24th and your wedding is the 25th, pay the 8 dollars to get it there on the 17th and save us all the trouble of it possibly being late. Don’t complain about shipping rates. For an extra 8 dollars someone is driving your package from our warehouse to the airport, putting it on a damn plan and flying at several hundred miles per hour to your airport and then putting your package on a truck and delivering it to your front porch. I would really rather not wait on the phone for 30 minutes while you decide what you want to order. You should know that before you call, and while we’re on the subject have your credit card with you and know your billing information beforehand.
• Stop talking to that fucking phone in bus/subway/etc or I’ll stick it in your a$$, sideways.
• Stop wearing your fucking fake gucci sunglasses inside. I am very bored working this register and I want to stare in to your soul.
• Tell your damn kid to shut the hell up.
• When the doors are closed and locked, that means the store is closed. That doesn’t we’re open and that we’ll let you in to shop for a half hour at 10pm on a Friday if you bang incessantly on the door. Other than painkillers, baby formula/diapers and condoms, there’s a not a damn thing you could possibly need at this hour of the night… and you can get it all at 7/11 or a gas station anyway.
• This is a class that I’m paying good money to sit in and learn shit, so please shut the F up with your sorority gossip until the goddamned lecture is over.
• If you don’t have headphones with you, don’t play your shitty music out loud from your phone speaker, especially if you’re on the bus or on the subway. Don’t play music out loud on your cellphone, when you are using public transport.
• Having a handicapped hanging tag doesn’t mean you are entitled to free parking at a special event like a concert. You can’t just show up at a valet parking lot 5 minutes before the show and start demanding free up-close parking because you’re an old miserable fuck that can’t spare $10 to park at your $90 concerto. And stop saying you’re going to sue me because I know the law and I know you CAN’T win. Other things that don’t qualify you for free parking: Being Black, Being a Hot Chick, Being Broke, Being Fat, Having a Nice Car (Bentley and Rolls Royce drivers always feel important enough to pull the free-parking card). Being a passive-aggressive asshole (”Oh I’m just going to run in for 5 minutes” and then disappearing for 2 hours.)

[trakor75] I hate how asians always forget like a, an, the, etc, whatever those are called(prepositions?)
[trakor75] my malaysian friend always does that
[trakor75] I had to totally rewrite her resume
[@c|oneman] I veiry talented, have lot of sperience
[trakor75] there would be no I or of
[TrAiNsZ] i get job in supplies
[`Socrates] prepositions?
[`Socrates] ::FACEPALM::
[TrAiNsZ] SURPRIZE
[trakor75] haha
[trakor75] I have no idea
[trakor75] it’s been 15 years since I had a grammar class
[trakor75] I just know it looks right
[trakor75] not why it’s right
[Hastor] articles, not prepositions
[`Socrates] trakor75: you just suprize butts3xed this channel
[`Socrates] trakor75: go wear the dunce cone
[trakor75] articles
[`Socrates] trakor75: IN THE CORNER
[`Socrates] trakor75: It’s too late for your articles.
[trakor75] lol
[TrAiNsZ] hahah

• It’s ‘Acorn’ not ‘Egg Corn’
• It’s ‘Cashew’ not ‘Cat Shoe’
• It’s ‘Duct Tape’ not ‘Duck Tape’
• It’s ‘Heart Attack’ not ‘Hard Attack’
• It’s ‘Hone in’ not ‘Home in’
• It’s ‘For all intents and purposes’ not ‘For all intesive purposes’
• It’s ‘Laptop’ not ‘Labtop’
• It’s ‘no pain; no gain’ not ‘no pain; no game’
• It’s ‘Alzheimer’s’ not ‘Old Timers’
• It’s ‘Play it by ear’ not ‘Play it by year’
• It’s ‘Regardless’ not ‘Irregardless’
• It’s ‘Sprained’ not ‘Sprayed’
• It’s ’spur of the moment’ not ’spurt of the moment’